Back in shackles

I am writing back in this post, because somehow i feel , i have not been able to get out of the life between cylinders. The location, people, experience- everything has changed but not the way i feel. I am still lonely, in my thoughts, trying to defend each of my decisions, trying to find friends in every person i meet, and then getting betrayed by everyone i trust and finally getting blamed for all the things i do for others sake. And at the end it feels like whether i am living for myself or just to impress others.
I am not able to remove those cylinders away from me. only difference was that earlier they came in only one colour red and i was able to recognize them but they are coming in many different colours and shapes. Its difficult to fight them this time. its not as easy as joining dancing classes or guitar classes to ignore them or to gather strength to cope up with them. This time i am finding them in guitar and dance. They have been successfully able to enter this territory also to haunt me. Now i cannot stand against them but this time i am forced to be on their side. The more i want to move away from them the more they are decrease the radius of my free surrounding. Now it is limited to my room. I feel free over here. Free from any expectations, any commitment, any blames, any loses.
I am afraid of it shrinking to my chair or even to myself, when i would be happy when i am alone. I don't want to be one of like that. But it seems to be true.
But the fight is still on and this time the rules are different. Everytime i would be unhappy with my decisions i would give the crap of practicality, but from now on i am able to find out more relevant reasons to defend my decisions. And this time its just me, no allies, no expectations.


There is only one cloud in the sky and its raining on me.. somehow i am not surprised. May be i am getting used to it.

26-11-2010:THE FACE OF REALITY

5:45 p.m.

After every storm comes a lull.. . this I hv been hearing from childhood.. now I am experiencing it… the lull.. the silence.. its this stage of life when after living at a high pace somebody suddenly comes and shakes you from within claiming that the path u have been following is wrong .. the perception u hv created about urself is false.. and how eb around u laughs at u for every thing u were proud of…

U loose.. that’s the first thought comes to ur mind… and after that each and every person u come across feels like is asking the same question. Claiming the same thing.. laughing at u … if u hv not known what being down to earth means ever in life…. Then welcome to well .. a deep well in which u like to sit down and mourn rather than try to get out of it or climb .. as u know outside everybody knows u.. u are revealed.. and its better to hide than to fight…

Bein in the well is great experience as it gives u the chance to analyse each and everybody critically … u are able to look through the mask of people.. and u realize it is only when u r alone in this battle against everybody.. u try to get away from everybody.. sitting in ur room with ur bwoofer in maximum volume u try to ignore the voices of people outside ur room who might be talking about u.. about ur failure. About ur defeat .. and u might be a joke of the dinner table eb would be laughing at…

Some would even come to console u.. and believe me these are the ones u really need to be away of as they are the one who want to watch the match standing in the pitch by coming close to u as they r not satisfied by the view from the audience stand.. and u start laughing at them as u know that they want to be the information carrier by getting it leaked from u posing as a friend.. these people are the best conductors of rumours and would even add some spice to it to increase its consumption..

Better to avoid them and believe in just one friend of urs.. u urself.. introspect and find the faults and if there are none.. then let the rest of the world get fucked..

25/10/2011: the journey begins

4:15 A.M.

Its hard.. definitely had.. today at 4 a.m. in the morning when I am awake writing this blog, am having probably, the most difficult time of my life… it requires much guts, patience and determination to survive this.. there is much chance of me breaking down or giving up… but yet I will try my best..to sustain through it…. I was warned …. “it might be the most testing period of your life and the one who holds his patience will make through” but I shrugged it off..”ha, I would get through in the first slot… but nope.. here I am .. on my first day… jobless. Once again being jobless haunts me… especiallly people around u are so busy they hv no time to talk 2 u… u hv rubbed ur ass in heat for two years and then present it as a acjievement and it becomes the biggest drawback for u… people sympathizing with u.. ur roomy saying”its all random” … ur best frn whom u hv beeen consoling for last few days is now in a much better off position and the worst part”u call her and inform her of her success and your failure”

Its damn tough….. remember this phase… I have been through .. last year .. when suddenly at around 2 when I got a call from the person most important to me in life.. who asked about my roll no and then declared that I was not able to get through and she made it with flying colours.. I was not able to sleep for the rest of the night.. but that was a blow that came once but here.. its every hour.. every moment a new strike is in store for u… peolple counting successes in number…. It has been quantified and in that parameter I am yet to open my account… yet not invited to display my capabilities in the arena… I am sitting as the audience .. clapping and cheering all my friends.. the only difference is that here people on field performing are more in number… its said that its heals with time.. but believe me its not. Its infact increasing at some damn high rate and its becoming unsustainable… I can see surprise or shock whatever say in people’s eye when they find me here… its as if I hav become the perfect example of the fact or the rumour that “ITS ALL RANDOM”.

8:31

The day when XL haunted me

I always liked this place… out of the dirty corporate world.. looking for some fun .. craving for some motherly love .. this was the most apt place for me to do my MBA.. infact in term breaks too .. I have spent most of my days in the campus.. because I like this place.. but I never thought that the same place would turn into a haunted home for me one day.. everybody is here in the campus.. but yet I am not able to find anybody… the lobby has never been so silent… not a single whispers of footstep.. no sound of closing of lifts… no knocking… no shouting of names.. suddenly eth has come to a stand still.. the journey from my room to mess has been never so long.. I was not able to trace a single human being on my way… I was the first one to have the breakfast today in mess.. or lets say the only one.. yup..

Then I found out few in suits.. and then I realised.. everybody has moved in the arena.. and playing it well while at the audience stand I think I am the only one who is standing and cheering.. rest all have gone to sleep.. dejected, depressed and shattered.. all of us saw It coming.. but none of us anticipated it to be so heavy.. it takes ur heart of ur body.. u want to cry.. u cant.. u try to judge.. u cant.. u want to argue.. u cant.. the only thing u can do is wait.. and wait.. so lets play the waiting game…

BEING LONELY

"Being lonely is subjective.. it can never be measured by the number of people around you... its in your mind and its different from being alone"

I never agreed to this thought... before reaching here i have been through two phases of my life.. at my job and in my college.. and with the experiences i have had i concluded that the more number of people you live with or the more number of people you be with , the less lonely you are... those two phases gave totally contrary experiences and hence i derived my own conclusion...

But this phase is one which has proved me wrong... its the feeling of not having anyone so close that u can confide anything to him that makes you feel lonely.. i had that someone in BIT but because of so many people around me i was never able to understand that i am feeling elated because of that one person and not the herd around me... after loosing him too i didn't realize what i was missing.. but finally after coming to this place i am able to figure it out and recognize that one hand that was there to hold my hand in my moment of trials and depression amongst others which were there just to clap on my success... and loosing that hand would be like left alone on the stage in front of thousands of spectators with having no idea of what to perform.... every body is looking at you in anticipation.. some feeling pity for u , most living the moment of their life laughing at you and you standing on the podium looking for the support, falling... every second...

the only string of hope which has made me stand tall in front of the populace has always been there and has made me survive through each and every agony i faced but it has also its constraints. The physical presence matters a lot and that has been missing in this second line of support i have had but i can feel the enormous amount of strength those hands have and hence am living with the thought how jubilant i would be when she would be with me...

"so it is in your mind and it can never be measured by the number of people around u"..i agree to all of these now and has also learnt a lesson that i would like to share with u" be careful before accepting and relying on those hands because it will hurt a lot when it would leave u.. in a worst condition u were before and u just hope u had never had them... " but the thing is that this piece of advice would not be of any help to u as its not u who is making the choice.. it just happens... "SHIT HAPPENS"..:)