I am writing back in this post, because somehow i feel , i have not been able to get out of the life between cylinders. The location, people, experience- everything has changed but not the way i feel. I am still lonely, in my thoughts, trying to defend each of my decisions, trying to find friends in every person i meet, and then getting betrayed by everyone i trust and finally getting blamed for all the things i do for others sake. And at the end it feels like whether i am living for myself or just to impress others.
I am not able to remove those cylinders away from me. only difference was that earlier they came in only one colour red and i was able to recognize them but they are coming in many different colours and shapes. Its difficult to fight them this time. its not as easy as joining dancing classes or guitar classes to ignore them or to gather strength to cope up with them. This time i am finding them in guitar and dance. They have been successfully able to enter this territory also to haunt me. Now i cannot stand against them but this time i am forced to be on their side. The more i want to move away from them the more they are decrease the radius of my free surrounding. Now it is limited to my room. I feel free over here. Free from any expectations, any commitment, any blames, any loses.
I am afraid of it shrinking to my chair or even to myself, when i would be happy when i am alone. I don't want to be one of like that. But it seems to be true.
But the fight is still on and this time the rules are different. Everytime i would be unhappy with my decisions i would give the crap of practicality, but from now on i am able to find out more relevant reasons to defend my decisions. And this time its just me, no allies, no expectations.
There is only one cloud in the sky and its raining on me.. somehow i am not surprised. May be i am getting used to it.
