Back in shackles

I am writing back in this post, because somehow i feel , i have not been able to get out of the life between cylinders. The location, people, experience- everything has changed but not the way i feel. I am still lonely, in my thoughts, trying to defend each of my decisions, trying to find friends in every person i meet, and then getting betrayed by everyone i trust and finally getting blamed for all the things i do for others sake. And at the end it feels like whether i am living for myself or just to impress others.
I am not able to remove those cylinders away from me. only difference was that earlier they came in only one colour red and i was able to recognize them but they are coming in many different colours and shapes. Its difficult to fight them this time. its not as easy as joining dancing classes or guitar classes to ignore them or to gather strength to cope up with them. This time i am finding them in guitar and dance. They have been successfully able to enter this territory also to haunt me. Now i cannot stand against them but this time i am forced to be on their side. The more i want to move away from them the more they are decrease the radius of my free surrounding. Now it is limited to my room. I feel free over here. Free from any expectations, any commitment, any blames, any loses.
I am afraid of it shrinking to my chair or even to myself, when i would be happy when i am alone. I don't want to be one of like that. But it seems to be true.
But the fight is still on and this time the rules are different. Everytime i would be unhappy with my decisions i would give the crap of practicality, but from now on i am able to find out more relevant reasons to defend my decisions. And this time its just me, no allies, no expectations.


There is only one cloud in the sky and its raining on me.. somehow i am not surprised. May be i am getting used to it.

26-11-2010:THE FACE OF REALITY

5:45 p.m.

After every storm comes a lull.. . this I hv been hearing from childhood.. now I am experiencing it… the lull.. the silence.. its this stage of life when after living at a high pace somebody suddenly comes and shakes you from within claiming that the path u have been following is wrong .. the perception u hv created about urself is false.. and how eb around u laughs at u for every thing u were proud of…

U loose.. that’s the first thought comes to ur mind… and after that each and every person u come across feels like is asking the same question. Claiming the same thing.. laughing at u … if u hv not known what being down to earth means ever in life…. Then welcome to well .. a deep well in which u like to sit down and mourn rather than try to get out of it or climb .. as u know outside everybody knows u.. u are revealed.. and its better to hide than to fight…

Bein in the well is great experience as it gives u the chance to analyse each and everybody critically … u are able to look through the mask of people.. and u realize it is only when u r alone in this battle against everybody.. u try to get away from everybody.. sitting in ur room with ur bwoofer in maximum volume u try to ignore the voices of people outside ur room who might be talking about u.. about ur failure. About ur defeat .. and u might be a joke of the dinner table eb would be laughing at…

Some would even come to console u.. and believe me these are the ones u really need to be away of as they are the one who want to watch the match standing in the pitch by coming close to u as they r not satisfied by the view from the audience stand.. and u start laughing at them as u know that they want to be the information carrier by getting it leaked from u posing as a friend.. these people are the best conductors of rumours and would even add some spice to it to increase its consumption..

Better to avoid them and believe in just one friend of urs.. u urself.. introspect and find the faults and if there are none.. then let the rest of the world get fucked..

25/10/2011: the journey begins

4:15 A.M.

Its hard.. definitely had.. today at 4 a.m. in the morning when I am awake writing this blog, am having probably, the most difficult time of my life… it requires much guts, patience and determination to survive this.. there is much chance of me breaking down or giving up… but yet I will try my best..to sustain through it…. I was warned …. “it might be the most testing period of your life and the one who holds his patience will make through” but I shrugged it off..”ha, I would get through in the first slot… but nope.. here I am .. on my first day… jobless. Once again being jobless haunts me… especiallly people around u are so busy they hv no time to talk 2 u… u hv rubbed ur ass in heat for two years and then present it as a acjievement and it becomes the biggest drawback for u… people sympathizing with u.. ur roomy saying”its all random” … ur best frn whom u hv beeen consoling for last few days is now in a much better off position and the worst part”u call her and inform her of her success and your failure”

Its damn tough….. remember this phase… I have been through .. last year .. when suddenly at around 2 when I got a call from the person most important to me in life.. who asked about my roll no and then declared that I was not able to get through and she made it with flying colours.. I was not able to sleep for the rest of the night.. but that was a blow that came once but here.. its every hour.. every moment a new strike is in store for u… peolple counting successes in number…. It has been quantified and in that parameter I am yet to open my account… yet not invited to display my capabilities in the arena… I am sitting as the audience .. clapping and cheering all my friends.. the only difference is that here people on field performing are more in number… its said that its heals with time.. but believe me its not. Its infact increasing at some damn high rate and its becoming unsustainable… I can see surprise or shock whatever say in people’s eye when they find me here… its as if I hav become the perfect example of the fact or the rumour that “ITS ALL RANDOM”.

8:31

The day when XL haunted me

I always liked this place… out of the dirty corporate world.. looking for some fun .. craving for some motherly love .. this was the most apt place for me to do my MBA.. infact in term breaks too .. I have spent most of my days in the campus.. because I like this place.. but I never thought that the same place would turn into a haunted home for me one day.. everybody is here in the campus.. but yet I am not able to find anybody… the lobby has never been so silent… not a single whispers of footstep.. no sound of closing of lifts… no knocking… no shouting of names.. suddenly eth has come to a stand still.. the journey from my room to mess has been never so long.. I was not able to trace a single human being on my way… I was the first one to have the breakfast today in mess.. or lets say the only one.. yup..

Then I found out few in suits.. and then I realised.. everybody has moved in the arena.. and playing it well while at the audience stand I think I am the only one who is standing and cheering.. rest all have gone to sleep.. dejected, depressed and shattered.. all of us saw It coming.. but none of us anticipated it to be so heavy.. it takes ur heart of ur body.. u want to cry.. u cant.. u try to judge.. u cant.. u want to argue.. u cant.. the only thing u can do is wait.. and wait.. so lets play the waiting game…

BEING LONELY

"Being lonely is subjective.. it can never be measured by the number of people around you... its in your mind and its different from being alone"

I never agreed to this thought... before reaching here i have been through two phases of my life.. at my job and in my college.. and with the experiences i have had i concluded that the more number of people you live with or the more number of people you be with , the less lonely you are... those two phases gave totally contrary experiences and hence i derived my own conclusion...

But this phase is one which has proved me wrong... its the feeling of not having anyone so close that u can confide anything to him that makes you feel lonely.. i had that someone in BIT but because of so many people around me i was never able to understand that i am feeling elated because of that one person and not the herd around me... after loosing him too i didn't realize what i was missing.. but finally after coming to this place i am able to figure it out and recognize that one hand that was there to hold my hand in my moment of trials and depression amongst others which were there just to clap on my success... and loosing that hand would be like left alone on the stage in front of thousands of spectators with having no idea of what to perform.... every body is looking at you in anticipation.. some feeling pity for u , most living the moment of their life laughing at you and you standing on the podium looking for the support, falling... every second...

the only string of hope which has made me stand tall in front of the populace has always been there and has made me survive through each and every agony i faced but it has also its constraints. The physical presence matters a lot and that has been missing in this second line of support i have had but i can feel the enormous amount of strength those hands have and hence am living with the thought how jubilant i would be when she would be with me...

"so it is in your mind and it can never be measured by the number of people around u"..i agree to all of these now and has also learnt a lesson that i would like to share with u" be careful before accepting and relying on those hands because it will hurt a lot when it would leave u.. in a worst condition u were before and u just hope u had never had them... " but the thing is that this piece of advice would not be of any help to u as its not u who is making the choice.. it just happens... "SHIT HAPPENS"..:)

CHOCOLATE FANTASY

"my middle name is 'chocolate fantasy'.." he had never seen anybody engaged in any activity to such an extent as if the whole world around her has stopped for all those moments.. the calmness on her face... was because of the excitement she was holding inside her.... not a single word was said during those 3 minutes... it seemed as if she has stopped thinking also... not caring about the world around her and just concentrating on the only piece of pastry lying on her plate....with ice cream on the top... he wondered whether there could be anything he could be so passionate about.. it was difficult.. he also used to get quite involved while working out but not at all to this extent... she set a totally new benchmark... unachievable one... she was looking more beautiful than ever... if its a say that u can fall in love just once in life.... its wrong.. he has fallen in love with her every time he has seen her....the first time he hugged her... and she was in his arms... the first time he kissed her... and now when he is sitting with her in cafe coffee day..... with she totally engaged in her chocholate syrup and ice cream.. he has again fallen in love with her.... he wanted to say a lot of things to her.. " how much he loves her".." how much he cares about her"....." how he has spent each and every second thinking about her from the moment he has seen her"... but seeing her commitment to the chocolate .. he let his every expression wait and just got engrossed in watching her eat... she cleaned the last bit of syrup left on the plate and the spoon and looked at him... he smiled at her and asked" shall we leave now?"

she replied" just one??? i deserve at least one more chocolate fantasy for being 1st in my class, daddy"

DECISIONS

"Who said that you fall in love just once!! infact its every second that you love something..might be a flower in the garden or its fragrance...a cool t-shirt... pair of shades...a scene of the movie or the actors of it..its totally natural..same way i can fall in love with this girl... infact i am falling "

the reasons were enough to justify himself to like the girl sitting in front of her....for a moment he became totally insensitive to the surroundings...the waiter carrying the coffee...the menu kept in front of him...the fragrance of coffee all round him...infact he was not even able to concentrate on what she was saying...he was just dumbstruck looking at her face..at her moving lips..at movement of her eyebrows..her every expression seem to make a place in his memory...and bring her more close to him....he have met lot more pretty girls in his life..but she was different...it was just not about looks or beauty...it was something different that went through his heart...he felt pain...but it was pleasant....he had to carry on the conversation....he was falling short of topics...he knew that time was running away... at last after a minute of silence he said "we should leave now..its too late"

she was not expecting that....she met him today and liked his charm."..this evening has been full of surprises and it seems there are much more left...how come he is suddenly asking to leave.....it seems he was interested in me....he invited me to this place and i sort of like him too.. he is cute,handsome and quite caring too...then why a sudden change of gesture.." confused...she rose to leave...he paid for the coffee and headed towards the door....she also moved behind him..both were filled with emotions but none of them spoke a single word...he accompanied her to her scooty...he was not able to look into her eyes..a guilt feeling was there...with a casual look he said "bye".."i don't think we would ever be able to meet again"she replied.'at least ask for my number' she thought....."ya , anyways it was nice meeting you" and he moved towards his car....she was going away from him...and he was aware of the fact...but he knew that he was helpless...he picked up his mobile...still a guilt feeling...he dialled a number...."hey jaan howzz ur health"..."I..I..I was just hanging out wid some friends".." ya... have bought cerelac for aakash"

Red

"seriously, please leave me alone. i have told you earlier..don't try to get close to me."

he was taken aback on listening to it. he just said "hi" and nothing else.

anyways he moved away from her..leaving her alone in that crowded station.it was 9:20 p.m...

it has been the story for quite some time now...she has been ignoring him...but it was difficult to live with it as he was her senior...they were suppose to catch the same train ....so he remained on the same platform but far enough to be out of her view.. but still he kept an eye on her as he had a feeling that sooner or later she will need him and look for him and then he should be available for her in no time....these were the hopes on which he has been living his life for the past few years...some times they have been fulfilled but most of the times it has failed...

she was working on her mobile...trying to call somebody...might be her fiancé...

the train arrived....and with it the huge crowd flocked to it gates...she was standing near the ladies compartment...he saw her moving towards the gate....for some reason he was not able to move her eye of her although he was getting pushed and brushed by the crowd....suddenly he heard a noise...as if of a gunfire...

and then a series of blows rocked the station..everybody was running ...not in any particular direction...

he was thrown away on the floor... trying to get hold of his laptop bag...he stood up and ran towards the female compartment ....she was not there...suddenly he lost his balance ...he grab hold of the man in front of him but he felt something sticky on his palm...it was blood...and the man in front of him fell right there....and then he had his confrontation with death....a man was standing in front of him with a gun in his hand firing aimlessly at the crowd and people were falling like pile of bricks...he fell on the floor....and on him was the dead body from which he expected a support a while ago....he could have been the next target but he hid himself below the body and the gunman moved ahead with his mission killing more people...he knew that being there would not help much as he needed to move out and search for her and make sure that she is safe...he stood up and looked around ....she was nowhere and the gunman was busy killing...everywhere there was blood and scream was deafening...bags ,purses and bodies were scattered around the platform and suddenly his eyes met a yellow duppatta ...somebody was hiding behind the pole and the gunman was also having the same feeling...he got hold of a rod falling by the side of him and ran towards her giving a deadly blow to the gunman...she was shivering..the gunman was on the floor crying and yelling..he hold her hand...suddenly he felt pain in his shoulders ...bullet has struck him ...he shouted"move move" and both started running ...one bullet struck in his leg and he fell down ...she dragged him in the crowd...the gunman was not behind them...he was not able to walk...he crawled to the nearest wall and laid on it for support...the pain was immense...he was not able to figure out her face..everything was blur in front of him....he stressed his eyes..she was there...with wet eyes...holding his hands...he knew that he had less time...he tried to stand taking support of the wall and started moving towards the gate with her....he reached a taxi crawling and falling with her support...opened it ..took hold of the steering...he crossed a police van ....made a halt...one policeman was left alive shouting on the radio"two terrorists in a taxi moving towards police station"...he looked in the rear view mirror...a taxi was behind them..in it was the gunman holding his bleeding head and one more person driving...he pulled the first gear and taxi moved ahead...he was being chased down...with a blow the rear glass broke away...he was driving at the maximum speed ...she was crying...suddenly he saw another police van with few officers in it...he stopped the taxi and tried to get out and then he heard the gun shot...few bullets penetrated his head...few his chest...he looked towards her she was yelling and crying with pain...blood was running through her cheek ...her yellow salwar had turned red...she fell ahead on the dash board...he saw policemen coming near them..one of them said.."it was not mentioned on the radio that one of them was a girl"